A MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN
Oct. 15th, 2008 09:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ancientcitadelfrom an email from my sister.
A MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom of Britain & Ireland, Queen of Australia, Canada, New Zealand and her other realms and territories, Defender of the Faith.
Greetings!
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the reputedly 'United' States of America and thus to govern yourselves in proper and orderly fashion and not cause annoyance to the rest of the world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Majesty will resume the Crown's duties over all US states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy and has given to her Government of Grenada in compensation for your invasion of 1983, and New Jersey, which we can't give away).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor-General of America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate (aka 'Congress') is immediately disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed or care.
To aid in the transition to a Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' shall be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Similarly, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise', except for words of Latin derivation (You should look up 'Latin' in the Oxford English Dictionary). Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Oh, 'period' does not mean the dot at the end of a sentence.
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as 'US English', it is a contradiction of terms (You should look up 'contradiction' in the Oxford English Dictionary). We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. The 4th day of July will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many guns, lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse or starting sporting events. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you shall no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have wrongly been calling 'gasoline') of roughly $10 a gallon. Get used to it and move on.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French or 'freedom' fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, deep-fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup or mayonnaise but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian or South African beers are also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nations on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss', so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English, Australian, and South African actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters, Australian actors to play Australian characters. Canadians will no longer be portrayed as simpletons. Note: Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Although those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby or Australian Rules (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. From hence forward it shall be known by its internationally recognised names of 'softball' or 'rounders'. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries, followed by the Australians – to learn 'sportsmanship', followed by the Zimbabweans – to learn about 'humiliation'.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776 with compound interest – you do remember that you did the same to us after WWI, WWII, and Suez).
15. Tea Time begins promptly at 4:00pm (note the colon, time isn't decimal) in proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
16. Bathrooms have, by definition, a bath in them – or some similar ablutionary device, e.g. a shower, as do 'washrooms'. If the room you're seeking is for bowel or bladder movements, they are called 'lavatories', 'loos', 'crappers', 'dunnies', 'urinals', pissoires, or (if you must) 'toilets'.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
A MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom of Britain & Ireland, Queen of Australia, Canada, New Zealand and her other realms and territories, Defender of the Faith.
Greetings!
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the reputedly 'United' States of America and thus to govern yourselves in proper and orderly fashion and not cause annoyance to the rest of the world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Majesty will resume the Crown's duties over all US states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy and has given to her Government of Grenada in compensation for your invasion of 1983, and New Jersey, which we can't give away).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor-General of America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate (aka 'Congress') is immediately disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed or care.
To aid in the transition to a Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' shall be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Similarly, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise', except for words of Latin derivation (You should look up 'Latin' in the Oxford English Dictionary). Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Oh, 'period' does not mean the dot at the end of a sentence.
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as 'US English', it is a contradiction of terms (You should look up 'contradiction' in the Oxford English Dictionary). We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. The 4th day of July will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many guns, lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse or starting sporting events. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you shall no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have wrongly been calling 'gasoline') of roughly $10 a gallon. Get used to it and move on.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French or 'freedom' fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, deep-fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup or mayonnaise but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian or South African beers are also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nations on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss', so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English, Australian, and South African actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters, Australian actors to play Australian characters. Canadians will no longer be portrayed as simpletons. Note: Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Although those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby or Australian Rules (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. From hence forward it shall be known by its internationally recognised names of 'softball' or 'rounders'. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries, followed by the Australians – to learn 'sportsmanship', followed by the Zimbabweans – to learn about 'humiliation'.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776 with compound interest – you do remember that you did the same to us after WWI, WWII, and Suez).
15. Tea Time begins promptly at 4:00pm (note the colon, time isn't decimal) in proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
16. Bathrooms have, by definition, a bath in them – or some similar ablutionary device, e.g. a shower, as do 'washrooms'. If the room you're seeking is for bowel or bladder movements, they are called 'lavatories', 'loos', 'crappers', 'dunnies', 'urinals', pissoires, or (if you must) 'toilets'.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!